Advice on 77th

Thanksgiving - Chanukah

2010-11-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

It's the weekend of Thanksgiving, and I've visited with my nephew Arden and his lover Dru, here from California. We've grown closer with time, and as I age this becomes more important. Even my great nephew Jonathan, Arden's son, now in his mid-thirties, and I have started to know each other. Lacking my own lover, these connections grow in value,
This is also one year when Thanksgiving and Chanukah almost intersect; the Jewish holiday begins in a few days. Both celebrate important moments, and (I'd like to think) narrow any gap between secular and religious events.
I'm really enjoying my new connection with Jonah Rank, first-year student at the Jewish Theological Seminary, who comes here as a "Chavrutah," teacher/study partner. We read and freely tear apart Biblical stories, so far some from Genesis that do read rather like soap operas. It's not yet clear what benefit for my own life I should get from these tales, but I believe there is benefit and I accept them as wonderful narratives. Jonah too becomes a supportive young player in my aging life.
Days have now gotten colder and daylight shorter, a sure sign of oncoming winter. I search for joy.

Birthday

2010-11-14T12:21:00.001-08:00

This week was my birthday--not only mine, but several people I know--all Scorpios, good luck. For me it was number 78, a combination of two digits that sound nice together even if they sound certainly old. Not for the first time do I marvel at how quickly such events arrive.
I've begun, tentatively, to look into retirement-type places. It was the suggestion of my loving niece Elissa who I know was NOT trying to shovel me into a grave, only too help me avoid being caught short if the need should arise for a change. I've seen two such places here in Manhattan, one preferable to the other, and it is--bottom line--a place that is do-able. I'm not ready for such a move, don't need to make such a move, but I see that putting the idea on my radar is a good thing, and not easy. A lot of mental moving will be needed before any physical move follows.

My New Video Interview

2010-09-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

Ten Ways to Your Cat's Happiness: A Novel from Suraj Das on Vimeo.

Hey guys, please check out this new video interview about my latest novel, "Ten Ways to Your Cat's Happiness"

High Holy Days

2010-09-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

Last year, and this, were the first in decades that I attended services for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. They were at a Reform synagogue on the Upper West Side, a large congregation with services that employ considerable Hebrew. A dynamic rabbi, superb cantor, and exceptional choir (some prayers sung a cappella). Moments of tears and some of laughter, and I walk out uplifted, not at all like the feeling when I was young and obliged to attend synagogue. I'm pleased to re-find, or maybe just find, such satisfaction, something my mother said would happen (and which I ignored for years).

Author interview video

2010-08-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

The world turns...and I worked this week with a young graduate of the NYU Film School, who is doing an author interview video, I being the author. I'm paying to have this done through iUniverse, which has published my new book. They will send out the video to sll kinds of places with a press release, hoping it will generate reviews of the book. I can also use the video on my site, You Tube, and wherever.
The young filmmaker is Suraj, Indian background, and he came here Thursday with pounds of photographic equipment. We filmed for several hours in my living room and then, at my bedroom desk. He asked questions, I supplied answers. His voice will be deleted from the video
Suraj, who isn't yet 25, has already gotten an NEA grant to do a film and landed the job to do me, with a film company. He is strikingly determined, inexhaustible. Did lots of takes and re-takes. We managed to persuade my cat Sis to participate. The next day Suraj and I traveled up to the Columbia University neighborhood, which is featured prominently in my book, to do outdoor shots--many, many.
I spoke w/him today, and he is sounding pleased with what he has. I hope to see it, maybe in rough cut, before it's done and sent in. The whole thing needs to be boiled down to about 2 minutes, which is too bad because he certainly has TONS of material!

New website, new book

2010-08-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

This has been a crazy time. Together with a talented designer, Adrienne Weiss, I have finished a lot of work on a redone website, now online at www.stanleyely.com. It prominently features and has links to my new book, "Ten Ways to Your Cat's Happiness: A Novel," from iUniverse Publishers, designated an Editor's Choice book.
The book is also now out. It runs a little over 200 pages, which seems short considering the time for writing (about two years), editing, proofreading that went into it. I've received a sample of the paperback and hardcover versions, and save a little printing issue on the paperback, they look fine. The cover is wonderful, designed by Anita Merk of Flyleaf, and it contains five really cute line drawings (of cats) done by Aleks Gryczon. It's for sale at Amazon.
Marketing--the hard part--begins. I've written to dozens of people, enlarged my presence on Facebook, hired a designer to do a promotional post card, and committed to doing a book video/press release with iUniverse. That hasn't started yet, should soon--and I hope will generate enough notice to justify a significant expenditure.
The whole project, in fact, is proving expensive, but I think all worthwhile investments. It's the best book I've done--and for sure the last novel!!--so I want to give it its best shot. We'll see.........

Uncle's Day, I say

2010-06-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

Today is June 20, Father's Day in the U.S.A., and a worthy institution. I'd like to put in a bid for an Uncle's Day too, especially for those of us who aren't fathers.

I'm uncle to several guys and girls and, to many of their friends too, to whom I'm forever known as "Uncle Stanley" (last name unmentioned). Uncle's Day doesn't need to be cause for gifts or contributions to some swell charity, just an acknowledgment that uncles too can have a positive impact on a niece or nephew.

Lacking a good relationship with my father, while he was alive, I now have a good relationship with my Uncle Morris, age 100, nearly 101. He will be the last of his generation in my family, and I've come to sit in awe of his longevity and clarity of mind. He's become a sort-of-fill-in-Father.

Come to think of it, I should have called to wish him a Happy Uncle's Day today.

Barbers and Shavuot

2010-05-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been going to a Russian/Israeli barber, Russell, who got pinned with an American name. He works near the high school on the West Side of Manhattan where I go to volunteer. He's funny and likeable.
Yesterday two bearded young Orthodox Jews were in the shop when I arrived, come to lay tefillin on Russell and his partner in advance of Shavuot, which celebrates Moses' receiving the ten commandments at Sinai, and which began last night.
Russell is no more a devout Jew than I, maybe even less, since he asks me questions to which I have no sure answer. But there he and his partner were, being wrapped in the straps that are attached to two leather boxes that contain Torah passages--performing a hallowed act of faith and devotion.
What a town this is, I thought! Just needing a haircut, I find two bearded Hasidim helping two young Russian/Israeli guys celebrate a serious old Jewish tradition--in a Manhattan barbershop!

Writing moving on

2010-04-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

An online literary magazine, "Perigee," to which I submitted an article, published it last week in an April issue. It's, of all things, an Army story, called "I Grew Up With Running Water." If interested, please go to the site of perigee-art.com., then to Non-Fiction. Take a look; I think you'll enjoy the piece.

My novel, "Ten Ways to Your Cat's Happiness," is moving along. I've received really complimentary feedback of a revised manuscript from iUniverse, with, however, the suggestion for line editing. So I've agreed to pay the publisher for that, and it's underway now. That may move the book to classification as Editor's Choice which may or may not be significant.

The cover design is almost done, and illustrations for the book also. I like both very much. The website designer out West didn't work out, so I've started again, with a local designer (which I feel better about). With luck, the site will be done before long and the book out by early summer. This will be my fifth book, and the best I've done. Can't wait to find it between covers.

Springtime here

2010-04-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

It's already mid-April, and Manhattan glows with tulips, daffodils, and lots of trees in welcome bloom.
I received the manuscript of my book back from iUniverse with compliments and lots of suggestions, and after some discussion with one of their reps chose to do correcting on my own. Now that version has gone back for another editorial evaluation (this one I pay for). I've worked so much on that book, more than any other, and I'm satisfied with where it is. I hope they are too, and that they don't ask for further editing, at my expense (though that's sort of doubtful).
At the same time, a book cover design is underway, and I should see ideas soon. Likewise designs for a build-up of my website, being done by a designer in Minneapolis. (Strange as it seems, I struck out on finding someone in New York.)
Awhile ago I developed a lot of pain in one leg, result of spinal stenosis. I got a cortisone injection a couple of weeks ago, which had very good results. While the pain was going on, I decided to cancel a trip to the Galapagos, which would have ended just now. I regret missing that amazing part of the world, but I didn't want to undertake walking on rocks and marshy lands if walking wasn't good. Being home these weeks has been productive.
I'm hoping the new (or just updated) website will help me make better use of this blog, its links, and the internet altogether.
Meanwhile, happy springtime.

New book

2010-02-16T13:59:00.000-08:00

This blog has gone unattended lately--bad business. I've worked feverishly to finish writing a novel and get it to a publisher. The novel is called "Ten Ways to Your Cat's Happiness," and it is a novel, not a cat book (though of course there are a couple sample cats who get star turns).
This will be my fifth book, and finding a publisher remains highly elusive. I'm going back, with no great regret, to iUniverse, the self-publishing company that did the "Living Alone Creatively" book written about in this blog. They've done a good job on putting the book out, and again this time I will furnish the cover design which should make it better.
So now, the manuscript, around three years in the making, is in their hands, and I feel an enormous relief.
The issue of living alone, or not, is still on my mind, as it is on the mind of the protagonist of the new book, Evan McGorkle. Evan totters between being with a partner or not, and the partner is a handsome, successful physician, not a hard guy to imagine being with. But Evan has some fear of losing privacy and independence, so, yes, he totters back and forth. I won't spill the beans about how it turns out, but I will say that the book is the most complex I've written, with some interesting characters, from a beautiful upcoming opera singer to a wise Israeli coffee bar owner to a sight-impaired musician.
The book ought to be out in the next five, six months (I think). And I need to update my website in anticipation.
More later.
Thanks for tuning in.

New decade

2010-01-07T12:48:00.000-08:00

We embark on a new year, new decade. Last night I went to the gorgeous production of "Der Rosenkavalier" at the Metropolitan Opera, one of the perks of living in Manhattan (note that the seat cost less than $30). It's an opera with music sublime and the overarching theme of the inevitable passing of time--and the wisdom to accept it. The Marschallin (princess) has an affair with a young count (always a soprano dressed like a boy), and she correctly warns him that sooner or later he will leave her for a younger woman. Which he does quickly. But the princess accepts that this is part of life, and at the end says she loves him for the love he has for the young girl. It's a sad, beautiful moment, filled with acceptance. (Strauss wrote that the affair with the young count was not the princess's first nor her last.)

All this touches on the matter of living with or without partner. A new novel I've written deals with the subject, as it did in "Living Alone Creatively." In the new book the protagonist has an on again, off again romance with a successful, altogether desirable physician who is the pursuer. The protagonist is filled with ambivalence, saying that his two cats provide him with the affection he needs. At least most of the time. I guess that, living alone as I do, it's a theme high in my mind. Ambivalence about partnering is usually hanging around.

My friend Michael Lowenthal, an excellent writer and person, has been in a gay relationship most of his life. He lives in Boston and wrote me recently that he finds the relationship a grounding point that allows greater freedom rather than a cause for restriction. I'm not sure how many people have achieved that--I know several for whom I'm sure it's not true--but Michael is a smart guy and I loved reading what he wrote. He's achieved an admirable goal.

Happy 2010 to those of you nice enough to read these words.

Niece's bat mitzvah

2009-12-25T11:45:00.001-08:00

My great niece Rebecca Sandvos celebrated her bat mitzvah last Saturday morning, December 19, at the Congregation Shir Tikvah in Winchester, Massachusetts, a suburb of Boston. Rebecca, who likes to be called Becki (and spell it that way), was named for my mother, Rebecca.

Becki is the daughter of my niece Elissa Ely and her husband Jay Sandvos, who live in another piece of Boston suburbia, Belmont. Becki was surrounded by grandparents and friends and relatives from near and far.

With no coercion, Becki chose to undertake the considerable preparation necessary for her bat mitzvah (whch, unlike old days when the ceremony was restricted to boys, includes girls now as well). She recited the week's portion of the Torah, then, for the first time, carried the Torah aloft around the sanctuary and delivered her own brief sermon. After the service, attendees enjoyed a lunch in the synagogue.

In the evening, Elissa and Jay hosted a dinner dance at the Doubletree Guest Suites in Waltham, yet one more Boston suburb, where many out-of-town guests were staying. Becki had invited some 30 girl friends, plus 3 boys, and in all 100 people enjoyed loud music and great food. Using their family connection to the Almighty, a major snowstorm waited until after midnight, when the party had ended.

The next morning some family members gathered at Jay and Elissa's house for a traditional Sunday brunch while Jay undertook snow clearing outside. Finally, out-of-town guests packed up to leave for home, grateful for a wonderful weekend and for being part of an honored Jewish tradition.

The overall topic of this blog is living alone, so how did I feel about being perhaps the only ongoing unattached adult (plus one of the few gay men) there for the weekend? I have of course experienced that before--anyone in my situation past a certain age surely has. But I have been part of my niece Elissa's life since she was born--we are very close--and I was glad to attend, even single. For years I've had "Uncle Stanley" on my name tag as provided long ago by Elissa and her sister Marcia, and I was glad to attend as Uncle.

2009-12-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

Different Generations

It doesn't require the approaching year end to remind me of the passing, hurrying by, of time, but such moments help. Last night I had dinner with my great nephew Jonathan who is already early 30's and a successful businessman and who lives here in New York. He is from my sister's side of the family.

This weekend I'll go to Boston for the bat mitzvah of my great niece Rebecca, who likes to be called Becki and, yes, spells it that way, and who is from my brother's side. She is almost 13, that great moment in a Jewish kid's life when, if a boy, he becomes (theoretically) a man, and if a girl, a woman. Rebecca--I may be the only one who still likes to call her that--is, in the Jewish tradition, named for a deceased relative, my mother, who would have been her great grandmother. I'm very close to Elissa, Rebecca's mother and my niece, the elder daughter of my brother Jerome who died a sad death years ago just at age 38. Elissa was 6 when her father died, her sister Marcia 4. They lived in Stamford, I in New York City, and I've been a strong presence in their lives from that time on.

This sounds a little complex but boils down to my attachment to the next generation, or even one more down. At my age, and single, I value--cherish--these relationships and hope they last and even provide comfort and support as I get older. That may not happen, it may be a vain wish, but maybe not. If you live alone (overall subject of this blog), such closeness could be a great tonic to old age.

I think I'll tell them that!

Radio Time

2009-12-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

Sunday night (November 29) I had fun debuting as a voice on radio. I was interviewed on blogtalkradio.com (or maybe three words) with the host Brian Sandell who had invited me on his program on that site.
The program is called "Before Bedtime," the hour being past 10 P.M. here in the East. Brian interviews different people in the arts on Sunday night, and he does a good job of combining questions that he peppers his guests with, allowing them then to speak on their own. I shared the program wih another writer, but for about 20 minutes I talked about my book "Living Alone Creatively," and that was plenty of time to say what I wanted to say.
The next day I played back the interview (anyone can, at that site, under "Before Bedtime,") and decided, yes, I definitely have a future in talk radio--if I can get rid of the Texas twang.

2009-11-21T14:20:00.000-08:00

I'm having fun recently being in the world of blogging, and hearing what others say about living without a partner.
Christina wrote that having a relationship does not preclude aloneness; in fact, it can heighten the feeling.
Serkan, a young student in Germany, says he's too busy studying to have a partner, which I guess means there may be one in the future. I know Serkan, and he'll be a good catch if he finds the time for partnering.
Some of us--in fact, more and more, according to statistics--choose not to be partnered and don't attribute it to lack of time--rather, to satisfaction with a current lifestyle.
Any opinion on the matter?

2009-10-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

Hello, finally, to the blogging world.

I'm struck by how not alone I really am, even as I live without a partner. Statistics all over the place tell how more of us than ever are partnering late, or not at all. Those facts moved me to write a book called: "Living Alone Creatively: How Twelve People Do It."

Those twelve came to a fulfilling unpartnered life in different ways, and from different backgrounds (including some who had been married). But one thing they had in common: a willingness to embrace challenges and risk change...and realize that perfection was an unrealistic goal. Being partnered they also found unnecessary for a life they wanted.

I'd like to hear of someone you know (maybe you!) who lives a fulfilling life unpartnered. What's that person's story? If you'd like, I'll share it with others (or won't if you don't like). I'll share with you more of what I've learned from the people in my book, a dozen who were courageous enough to step out and let others hear their stories.